Finally Getting my Power Back: A look into my personal experience with NPD
Joel 2:23-25
23. Be glad then, you children of Zion and rejoice in the Lord, your God; for He gives you the former or yearly rain in just measure and in righteousness, and He causes to come down for you the rain, the former rain and the latter rain as before
24. And the floors shall be full of grain and the vats shall overflow with juice and oil
25. And I will Restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten
As many already know, I just ended a two-and-a-half-year relationship with a narcissist early this year. I want to clarify narcissism because most people generally have the impression that a narcissist is just an egotistical person therefore mistaking anyone to be identified as one. Most people generally have one or two narcissistic traits as survival of self. So, the term has become diluted and used as more of a slur than a diagnosis. A person with narcissistic personality disorder, also known as NPD, is a very particular toxic person. Someone with NPD, their brain became rewired after childhood abandonment and neglect, arrested development essentially Simply put, narcissists get a bad rap because they lack total empathy, and they are not capable of love.
For the sake of women and children everywhere there must be more awareness of this disorder. That is why I am going to be as detailed as possible and share my story. Bluntly put, anyone in a relationship with a narcissist is just supply for the narcissist, someone to scapegoat, gaslight and manipulate. It is nearly impossible to maintain a relationship because the narcissist needs constantly change in a way that can't be met therefore creating extreme anxiety and disarray to their partner. It is also an extremely toxic environment overtime because complete chaos is their norm. You end up working on bettering yourself for the relationship and they end up working on serving their image, needs and their fragile ego.
My Story
Before I met the narcissist, I hadn't been in a substantial relationship in four years. I had recently become saved and was restoring my relationship with God. I met him at a time I was seeking someone to hear my testimony so when he came along, I thought it was God's will. I shared my complete testimony, how I moved from the east coast, shared with him my goals and hopes out of life, my past traumas. I shared everything and he listened and shared common interest. He found me on Facebook and watched all my testimonials. I would catch him in the park on my way to journal where he would be listening to the same gospel music I listened to. I was being “love bombed”, sought out, mimicked and I thought it was genuine and maybe it was at first. My personality was being replicated and I couldn't even place it happening because that has never ever ever happened in my life. One day he asked if I was like one of those 'devout Christians' and I said if you’re asking if I want to wait until marriage, the answer is yes. And that is when all my boundaries became blurred into his playground. Being with someone who has NPD is the most devaluing experience you will ever experience especially when you look back and realize it was all an act.
This is the standard order of a relationship with someone with NPD.
Love bombing: The narcissist will find out everything about you, they will mimic you so that it appears they have empathy, they pick up your caring traits and use them to give you all the things you shared you need. This could last month’s and simultaneously you overlook the red flags because they are so catering to ever single current request. They open up like no one else ever has to you. They share their childhood traumas and experiences to seem genuine essentially adopting your empathy.
Devaluing: This is where the cheating and lying begin. When your presence is threatened the lies and cheating begin to replace you if needed. You begin to be devalued in exchange for how they feel internally by making you feel small for not measuring up to their unmeasurable standards. I was told many times that I only needed to be his daughter's friend while watching him neglect every single one of her needs. Sometimes to the point where he would fall asleep just to avoid cooking for her or getting black out drunk to avoid spending quality time with her. I did homework every night with her and asked every now and then if he could help her after our daughter was born. When I stepped up, he told me over and over it's not my job to be her mother but then told me I wasn't doing enough to include her. I ended up seeing two different counselors because I internalized that I was not enough while losing balance to demanding responsibilities. After seeing these counselors, I was gaslit and told I was being selfish and unfit to parent because I had issues, I was actively seeking help for. I became so focused on becoming a better stepmom and believing he saw my efforts that I neglected to focus on the lying and constant cheating.
Gaslighting/Manipulation: As shown in the diagram above, people with NPD cannot take accountability because their brain is literally set up to deflect and place blame at the face of any shame. Each time I would try to address the issues to relieve internal stress he had some reason why it was my fault. When he cheated, it was my fault, his daughter having abandonment issues (her mother left, his previous girlfriends disappearing) was my fault and even when there was clear evidence, he made me feel invalidated for my feeling or that it never happened. I know it sounds crazy, but this distorted a fog in my memory. Every story changed for convenience, and I started to feel like I was losing my mind, and nothing was real. During the end days of the relationship, I got a car assessment and was told that my wheel bearings needed to be replaced. I was urged by the narcissist to not get them done in the shop because he could fix them cheaper. While I was at work I was threatened the car would be taken apart if I don't answer him on my lunch break.
I was ready to end the relationship many times and I would leave and then I was either guilt tripped back with him pressuring me that his daughter did need me, and I shouldn't break up a family and before long, I was hoovered back.
Hoovered: This is where the love bombing just magically pops back up. Now the narcissist is doing everything that you have been asking over and over for. They are arranging for couples therapy, initiating deep meaningful conversations about your passions, praying, stepping up as a father, requesting to have romantic dates, suggesting marriage. But as soon as I wanted to talk about feeling invalidated, narcissistic rage presented itself. He started yelling, drinking, reaching out to people that made me feel uncomfortable and the cycle continued immediately. I had to draw the line when he started degrading me in front of his daughter and talking very inappropriately in front of her. She ended up taking her fears to school.
Each time I was hoovered back I had to convince my family and friends and myself that he's not the bad guy that it was me. I need to do better. I need to love more. It worked, because we all were fooled.
It was easy to believe because he always stayed calm with an eerie grin, as he focused in on all my insecurities and taunted me to friends and family for acknowledging them. I would eventually explode, and it was usually in front of those friends or in front of his acquaintances. The reactive abuse was always used against me, and I started to believe I was crazy. I would tell him how he was acting, how I felt invalidated, and he started to deflect any accountability by telling me I talk to much or I interrupted him finally getting to relax.
Reactive abuse: I would say 90% of the reason I couldn't see that I was in a toxic cycle is because of how I reacted to toxic behavior. It started to feel like I was insane to ask for stability, understanding and things promised in the beginning. Instead, I was mocked after reacting to invalidation of the efforts I was making to better the relationship. In October of 2021 right after my daughters first birthday he admitted to cheating a month prior while being black out drunk on a night, he took his daughter to a sleep over at his married friend’s house. Honestly, I was not even mad or jealous, I was disgusted at the details. I realized at that moment that I don't even love the narcissist. I just wanted this relationship to work because we had a kid together and I had already sabotaged my image telling everyone how great he is. Three days later I found out I had another baby on the way. He wasn't the man of God he claimed he was, he wasn’t the loving father I believed he was, and he didn’t care about me or the relationship. Nothing changed, he still hung out with his married friends, he still threatened to get black out drunk, and he even threw my stuff out in front of my mother and then blamed me for why his daughter doesn't have a mother. So, you know what I did, I cracked! I exploded; everything I had been holding in came out in loud and angry cries. I wanted him to feel small. I was ashamed of how I acted, and I was ashamed of the things I tolerated for two years. I reacted to, the abuse, the mistakes and to wasted time. My reaction is being used against me, even to this day.
Trauma bond: I believed I needed to stay because of the babies having two parents and at the same time was holding onto hope that things would get better. But they got drastically worse. The Narcissist mask was quickly slipping completely off. From kicking me out, threats of telling me to leave and then when I did leave calling me back with love bombing gestures that made me believe things were different. Until one day he started an argument that I couldn't get out of. He started screaming cuss words loud and obnoxious getting louder the more I avoided responding. This was done in front of the children. He tried to belittle me, get a reaction out of me and when he got a slight one, he started recording me until he upset his eight-year-old daughter. I had to get out and I had to never come back. But the questions filled my head, what about my daughter and what about his daughter? Will my babies have a father? For my sanity, I left. For my baby’s safety, I left. With nowhere to go, I left. 6 months pregnant, I left, With no job, I left. Anywhere is better than that trauma bonded toxic relationship. You would think leaving that the abuse would stop, and the focus would be the children. It didn’t. It wasn’t. The abuse and harassment got worse
Before NPD abuse
At the end of NPD abuse
Lack of Empathy: He threatened to take his life if I left. I didn't know when I walked out the door, I was closing the curtain on the narcissistic show, I thought we just weren't meant to be. His lack of empathy really showed when he was willing to put our one-year-old daughter into compromising and nearly dangerous and uncomfortable environments just despite me and in attempts to bitterly hurt me. No compromise, no middle ground or respect for how I felt. He constantly used our daughter as a pawn to harass me or announce he is unwilling to help financially. Using the fact that I want our daughter to have a father to hold over my head and make me feel small for not tolerating the relationship any longer. If I missed one call, he threatened me on social media of parental alienation and made every point to reach out to different family members, even after terminating my cell service. When I asked for help getting diapers, he bluntly told me no because I took his daughter out of the home and my consequence is to care for her on my own. No accountability, no empathy.
I did accuse him of being a narcissist when I saw a girl make a skit about an argument with a narcissist is annoying and confusing and that’s what our coparenting conversations became, it was like communicating with a child. I started to do more research on NPD, and it fit my experience exactly. Here are some triggering examples:
People with NPD lack empathy because they only do things to benefit themselves and it doesn't matter who they hurt in the process. They do not care how they damage your life; the children's mental health or well-being and they don't care how much money lost or opportunities missed because they are only concerned about how they can manipulate those around them to escape accountability and inner reflection of their actions. Because their childhood was robbed emotionally, they can only seek out people, places and things that will serve them and give them the validation they never received growing up.
Reflection
To be honest, people who have NPD hurts my heart. I know they are acting out of pain to avoid recognizing their inner shame. At the same time the pain caused from being with someone who will never be able to trace the harm they cause to people; I cannot afford to feel sorry.
I lost my sense of self, my drive and ability to move forward. After the relationship I was stuck in self-doubt. I forgot my passions but I'm getting my power back!
Getting my Power Back
I’m putting my faith in action
I'm moving forward
Cause the enemy thought he had me
Thought he could keep me down
But he knew I'm a fighter that's why the storm was raging as hard as it was
And I got knocked down pretty bad
But I never stay down for long
I was sad at the time I wasted in a dead-end relationship
But here I am
Getting back who I am and then some
Better, standing strong in my boundaries
With more knowledge
I’m wiser because of what I went through, my content is multifaceted now
And I have two beauties with me
Who remind me every day of God's merciful gifts
Blessings of new life
If you see the narcissist wish him a good life and remind him
You can't keep a woman of God down for long
We are strategic
And we DO get back up
And karma comes back around
Not by me though
God properly sends a wrath for his children
By his stripes we are healed
God thank you for opened eyes and the path to restore what I thought was broken. May I continue to gain strength to recognize anyone sabotaging my self worth. Help my story help others to break free from any form of abuse and recognize their worth.
Amen
If they don't respect your boundaries. Leave. If they make you work hard to be valued, leave.
Its not worth it sis I promise you are worth so much more
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