This past May, after five long, progressively faith shaken years, I graduated as a first generation college grad! Challenged in my faith, I dreamed of greater, I dreamed of better, but all I could see was cloudy doubt. College put the biggest test on my faith, provoking mistrust in peers, myself and ministry, ultimately leading me to deny God’s direction and presence. The more hurt I witnessed, the more I turned away from my source. I became so lost in my faith it was going to take something big to stop fear in its tracks.
Look, it's hard to stay on track when a train is coming. By the time you jump off you cant even see your way back let alone think about what to do next. I was just there! So full of fear I was just ready to let the train take me out. Growing up facing rejection because of the color of my skin and being financially crippled was starting to make moving in the right direction seem impossible. I felt so many layers of adversity; I had no idea what steps to take to trust things would get better. Every doubt I ever had that I wouldn't see greater, only made great feel that much more out of reach. By the time I got to college I started to doubt everything. Will I fit in, will racism end and what is God's will for my life, in the midst of all this intolerance?
I immediately joined United Campus ministry to stay connected to my faith and eventually to bridge the racial divide. I went to Frostburg State in western Maryland, a newly diverse college in a predominantly white area. I relocated from Prince George county Maryland because Frostburg Maryland was an extremely affordable school and to me, marketed a fresh start. My fresh start was short lived when I saw how unwelcoming the locals were in the area. Every day on my way home. I would see the same; old, rundown building, that read ‘KLU KLUX CLAN’ with “all lives matter” next to it spray painted in the mix of other graffiti “art. Messages of exclusion were everywhere and it really started to cloud my judgement to where I eventually couldn't see God. The more blurry things became, the more I started to wonder if I belonged in ministry. I was empty and emotionally disconnected from everything and distant from Gods purpose for my life I ended up really close to a black hole. I had to make a decision; remain spiritually dead or recharge my faith.
Psalm 22:14, 38:8
I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax. I am feeble and severely broken, I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.
In the bible, Peter denied Jesus three times when he was challenged with fear, even though he did know Jesus. Peter knew that Jesus had the power of the holy spirit and authority over flesh to stop doubt and fear if you just believe in his will. When Jesus rose from the dead after being sacrificed, Peter was forgiven and was completely transformed and made new. Though Peter turned his back on Jesus and doubted his path, he was transformed to be a witness to others. Peter’s testimony lead him to spread the same power and share his victory with others. It took Jesus's sacrifice to really show Peter how the holy spirit can convict you in an instant and give your life purpose. It's not always clear to see how to make the right decisions but when tested, I find inspiration knowing that Jesus was able to use Peters fear and persecution to lead him to salvation. When I graduated college I continued to deny God until I ended up walking toward a dark path. After nearly two years of denying all of God's signs showing me to get off the track and on a resilient path, I finally see that God used my doubt, fear and dislocation to restore my faith to live a strong life of purpose. To stand out!
In spite of almost giving up, God's grace put me on the path to salvation, just like Peter. In the midst of fear and anxiety, I had to look for the sign. Pain from anxiety had me looking for something better than what I've ever known, I was so far from the track and God still directed me in time to recognize what I was searching for. God showed me that every life has purpose, even mine. I was born to stand out and make a difference to help others restore their faith too.
My faith directed me to put my faith and in action as a Global mission fellow. Two months after I was settled in Tacoma, Washington as a community organizer, my Chaplin from my ministry called to tell me that the wall was painted! KLU KLUX KLAN and all the discouraging negativity was covered with hope. Things have been adding up ever since! My huge testimony proves I was born to be exclusively radical, Just like Jesus. Too always seek whats right.
Look up. PRAY. Stay blessed
Peace be with you!
Next stop. Your testimony!
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